Clearly I should be able to. It’s in “God’s Law.”

And before any of you fundamentalists (do any actually read this? I highly doubt it) start saying that some of those other laws no longer apply I ask you this: Who made you god? Since when do you get to decide which laws are still in effect (like, against homosexuality) and which are no longer valid (like not eating shellfish, or wearing clothes of mixed fibers)? It’s either all still valid, or none of it is. So which one?

Please let it be all of them, so we can go out and stone anyone who even enters Red Lobster. That place really is an abomination.

So this letter is old, but since Dr. Laura is still flapping her pie-hole, and many a fundamentalist christian — not to mention completely godless heathens like Rush Limbaugh — are still crusading against equal rights for homosexuals based on some twisted interpretation of morality and ‘christian values’ I’ll re-present it.

On Thursday 24th February 2011,  said:

To Dr. Laura: Why can’t I own a Canadian? 

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US resident, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10

16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D, Professor Emeritus,
Dept Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)

And this guy, about whom I posted on Facebook before.

Man tattoos leviticus 1822 that forbids homosexua 28846 1298035133 2

You see, he has tattooed Leviticus 18:22 on his arm because, apparently, he believes that the “homosexuality is an abomination” bit is still in effect. Of course, he conveniently ignores the part of Leviticus (19:28 for those playing along on the home abomination game) that forbids tattooing. Catch this guy wearing mixed fibers on his Saturday night date to Red Lobster and I’m pretty sure we can stone him. Abomination trifecta!

And when I posted this little gem on my Facebook page I got the following response from a Jewish, Conservative reader:

Who cares what parts of Torah a fundamentalist Christian choses to observe and what parts he choses to ignore? The laws in Vayikra were given by G_d to Moshe for B’nei Yisroel, starting with G_d’s unity and then to the Ten Commandments. This is the bris, the convenant between G_d and Israel. Obviously Mr. Tattoo didn’t read the entire chapter or, having read it, decided to use some of it and not other parts of it.

Christians have been picking and choosing from among the 613 commandments in Torah since Paul began evangilizing the gentiles; it’s nothing new. Until Mr. Tattoo decides to join the JCC, gives up bacon, schedules his son’s Bar Mitzvah, and becomes Sabbath observant, what the Hasidim call Baal Teshuvah, this is, as you like to say, “transparent and predictable.”

I’m still scratching my head over it. Not the least reason is because he refuses to spell out G O D. And singling out the Christians for picking and choosing amongst the 613 commandments seems a bit discriminatory. After all, the majority of Jews don’t follow all of them and, indeed, pick and choose as well. They just have a smaller book from which to make their choices.